LOVE LIES BLEEDING

Posted on January 14, 2026 by KAREN SGAMBATI

“Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don’t know how to replenish its source. It dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. It dies of illness and wounds; it dies of weariness, of witherings, of tarnishings.” (Anais Nin)

In 1989, a Costa Rican fisherman named Gilberto Shedden rescued a crocodile that had been shot in the head. After nursing the crocodile back to health, he released it into the wild. The crocodile, however, whom Gilberto had now named “Poncho,” refused to go back to the riverbank where he was found clinging to life, and instead chose to go back to his rescuer, where he set up residence in a pond near Gilberto’s home. For over twenty years, Gilberto and his jagged-toothed snouted friend would swim together in a river nearby, playing, talking, kissing, and hugging, and a deep, abiding bond was formed. After too many years of this curious devotion, Gilberto’s wife, frustrated by the fact that her husband was spending more time with Poncho than her, refused to play second fiddle to a reptile any longer and left the marriage.  Gilberto claimed to be unbothered by her departure and shrugged it off by saying he could always find another wife, but Poncho was irreplaceable.  

When your husband chooses a predator who can swallow a whole pig with two chomps of a jaw over you, your marriage is over.

YouTube has become my favorite source of continuing education with its smorgasbord of insightful videos; a diverse catalog ranging from “How to Send A Birthday Greeting with an A.I. Enhanced Voice of Johnny Depp” to “Releasing Trauma from Your Past Life, the One before the Last.” I’ve immersed myself in the genre of self-help videos that explore every aspect of the human condition and have been delighted to discover that the more entertaining ones often add a touch of lore. I plan to update my CV to reflect my newly acquired doctoral degree from the YouTube School of Behaviorism, Hogwarts Campus.

A few days ago, a video popped up in my algorithm entitled, “Your Husband Hates You | Here’s 8 Signs He Can’t Stand You.”  I’m not sure why it popped up in my feed, as it’s been many years since I last had a husband hate me, but algorithms derive satisfaction in keeping us off balance.  As I listened to this respective coach, who specializes in narcissistic abuse recovery, detail one abhorrent behavior to the next, I felt uncomfortable, if not a bit haunted by flashbacks.  What felt more pessimistic was reading the viewer’s comments beneath the video, where broken hearted individuals spilled the guts of their loveless and painful marriages, trapped in their own personal hell. With admitted discrimination, I found it easier to judge the spouses who choose to stay rather than to dismantle the reasons why they won’t leave.      

Perhaps just as painful but more natural is the arrangement of the “silent divorce,” where an emotional separation of the marriage occurs, but a legal ending does not, leaving a communal living environment and joint finances to remain. Couples who are engaged in a silent divorce rarely spend time or communicate with each other, instead choose to live as roommates who share kitchen utensils.  I’ve often wondered if any of these couples who happen to live in a large house reach for their phone in confusion to call 9-1-1, thinking a prowler may have broken in during their estranged spouse’s midnight raid of the refrigerator. 

Another phenomenon, the “gray divorce,” experienced a rise in popularity over the past decades and kept divorce attorneys busy hammering out settlements for their gray-haired clients and their retirement funds.   Gray divorce, when empty nesters who have been married for 30 or 40+ years come to the realization that they no longer want to spend their remaining time on earth with the person they once promised to love and cherish until death do they part, can be inflamed by the last hurrah of a new love interest, or the contempt bred by familiarity, but the pursuit is the same: To shed the weight of a love that has since died on its vine and feel free again.  

George Washington once said, “I have always considered marriage as the most interesting event in one’s life, the foundation of happiness or misery.”

The real death of love is indifference.  Choose the right person and nourish your love.  It will give thanks by blooming eternal.   

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RESOLUTIONS BEGONE

Posted on December 31, 2025 by KAREN SGAMBATI

“Good resolutions are simply checks that men draw on a bank where they have no account.” (Oscar Wilde)

As I ready myself for the new year and turn the page of my daily planner – the outmoded, non-digital, paper printed version I will never relinquish – I proudly enter 2026 resolution free.  New Year resolutions are a well-intentioned impulse, like an expensive face cream purchased in an upscale department store, fueled by the promise of dermatologic splendor provided you apply it diligently each night.  Visions of smoother skin entice until the yearning to freefall into bed becomes more ardent than the effort to erase crow’s feet. The opulent jar becomes relegated to a shelf in a cabinet, next to the other magical potions, as they collect dust and turn into very expensive porridge.   Such are overly ambitious resolutions.  

What’s braver is to fling oneself headfirst into January, with the promise only to be a better person, pay your bills on time, and try not to offend too many people as your amygdala continues to shrink alongside your prefrontal cortex, allowing loose lips to run wild with unadorned thoughts.  It’s one of the many perks of aging; you’re awarded an invisible badge permitting you to speak your mind more freely without the worry of consequence, as any future consequence becomes much less threatening.  

To start the year with a cheeky twist, create a list of old friends and former co-workers you haven’t spoken with in ages.  Decades even.  Then, stalk their social media pages as if you were Inspector Clouseau, being careful not to hit any reaction buttons or leave behind a digital fingerprint to announce you were there, and find if you can, a current telephone number or email.  Call or send a message as if you’ve never lost touch, with the improvised tone of “Hi, I was just thinking about you…”  At first you’ll be met with perplexed silence, but I would wager with your best listening-ears securely in place, and cleverness activated to ask the right questions, the minutes to follow will be filled with an accounting of their impending divorce, how the government screwed them through capital gains tax with the recent sale of their house, and that their nagging fear of death has been slightly alleviated with an upped dosage of Klonopin. 

Human beings are creatures of structure and conformity, which is why resolutions have always been popular.  They are like mental drill sergeants, designed to keep us on track as we strive to achieve the dream life attributed to those who are Instagram-worthy and photoshop-savvy. Yet resolutions rarely last long. Who wants a drill sergeant breathing down their neck when all you desire to do after a long day is to collapse on the couch and stream “Emily in Paris,” Season 5?

A better approach for the upcoming year is to fill it with a cup of hope and a saucer of reality, with the understanding that blessing and adversity may arrive in equal measure.  When hope remains in the forefront, it inspires to live as though you’re already the better version of yourself, the one who makes time to live in the present, to be kinder and less hurried, to give without giving away yourself, and to appreciate with each passing year the less significance of the material, and the knowing that the love you share is what will endure. 

Here’s to 2026.   

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THE SHEEN OF RELEASING SHAME

Posted on September 14, 2025 by KAREN SGAMBATI

“Shame is a soul eating emotion” (Carl Gustav Jung)

A great hindrance to a hopeful future comes by remaining shackled to the past.  The inability to forgive ourselves for even the smallest transgression keeps us chained in shame.  From nights of half-remembered debauchery to ill-considered decisions that echo throughout life, the past reminds us that in our humanity, we’ve screwed up.  Our intellectual mind reminds us that we’re human and bound to accumulate our fair share of mistakes, but our hippocampus, the part of the brain that stores long-term memory hates to let us off the hook… “not so fast, aren’t you forgetting something?” it vaunts when it comes up against the reinforcing spirit that heartens us to walk into the future.

Enter a conquering hero, Charlie Sheen.  For the few people in the western world who are unfamiliar with who he is, he’s a famous and equally infamous actor who has lived a life of intense highs and desperate lows, financial abundance above what many could imagine only to lose the lion’s share, the very public airing of his feral sexual exploits, and a tragic spiral into drug and alcohol addiction that was driven by mind bending excess.  Sheen admits, with a sense of bewilderment, he’s unsure how he survived the sheer volume of drugs ingested; his only explanation being that his body chemistry is rarified. 

I recently watched his new documentary entitled “a.k.a. Charlie Sheen” on Netflix.  It was better than I had anticipated and delivered with unflinching honesty the untamed story one might expect of Charlie Sheen.  Sheen, who is currently 8 years sober, was surprisingly articulate and spoke with a mixed witticism and raw vulnerability as he reimagined the most intense moments of his life.  “Shame Shivers,” as he refers to it.  In 2010-2011, Sheen’s final descent into madness came in the form of a very public meltdown that led to an exploitative personal tour called “Tiger Blood” or something to that effect; a one-man show where he ranted nonsensical gibberish on stage, declared himself to be almost super human through the blood of certain Panthera, and was met by the cheers of those who wanted to jump on the crazy train and rail against anything sane and coherent.   

Sheen spoke openly of that inglorious moment in time, with the occasional stammer to remind us just how vulnerable he was.  He regaled to the best of his memory without shrinking, knowing the shame shivers were certain to resurrect through the extracted film clips, and did so without the urge to drown the discomfort in a glass of vodka.  Charlie Sheen has undoubtedly learned a lesson or two in his 60 years to date, one being that as flawed humans, the most interesting lives often come with a redemptive arc.  The dark ash of our past failings may cover us; what matters is how we dust off.

Few of us have, or will, experience the roller coaster ride that has taken Charlie for a spin, but we can learn from the “shame shivers.” When shame once cloaked in darkness is exposed to the light, it becomes powerless in comparison to the valiant truth. 

That’s Winning.

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GROOVE IS IN THE FOOLISH HEART

Posted on August 6, 2025 by KAREN SGAMBATI

“You will do foolish things, but do them with enthusiasm” (Colette)

There’s a fascinating phenomenon called the “Third Man Factor” where people who find themselves in life-threatening or harrowing circumstances report feeling an unseen and reassuring presence alongside of them as they’re guided to safety.  To people of faith, this unexplained comfort is believed to be divine intervention, and to skeptics, it’s shrugged as a coping mechanism or form of hallucination.  Whatever this manifestation may be, those who experience it claim it was the factor that kept them alive.   

As I started to think back on the many invisible presences I’ve felt at my side, I began to wonder … if an invisible presence can help to save our life, can an alternating presence help to embarrass it through foolish prompting?  There have been many times in my life when I’ve done something completely against my rational thought, only to wonder why.  For instance, there was a time when I allowed an ungainly and butterfingered hairdresser to play mad scientist with my hair, which I’ve always sought to protect as my crowning glory. I went against my #1 rule in commissary exchange:  The person selling the service must positively represent what they’re offering.

Butterfingers transformed my light brown hair, for which I requested subtle blonde highlights, into a discounted Halloween wig you’d find at Party City.  With a dark, muddy base color that resembled soggy coffee grounds, and alarming tangerine-colored chunks splattered throughout my hair in a patchwork pattern instead of the customary vertical streaks, the Bride of Frankenstein looked chic in comparison to my Pepé Le Pew from a Grunge Universe. After my hysteria subsided, the next morning I could do nothing more than take a personal day from work, wrap my hair in an oversized scarf and hide behind Jackie O styled sunglasses, praying that a skilled hairdresser who didn’t seem to have a personal vendetta against me would be available to transform me back to refinement.

Are foolish acts a way to humble our egos, to remind us that alongside our hubris hides a court jester who’s more than willing to bring us down to earth? Foolish acts and foolish choices have been around since days of the Cavemen, when I suspect some prankster in a loincloth tried to reinvent the flame only to burn his ass. 

Foolishness has its place in the world.  Just not when you’re over the age of 40. 

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THE NIGHT HAS A THOUSAND EYES

Posted on July 18, 2025 by KAREN SGAMBATI

“Strange feeling that someone is looking at me. I am clear, then dim, then gone, then dim again, then clear again, and so on, back and forth, in and out of someone’s eye.” (Samuel Beckett, Happy Days)

The latest meteor to hit tabloid journalism happened this week in Foxboro, Massachusetts, when the married CEO of a tech company and his alleged lover and work subordinate, the Chief of Human Resources, were caught in a cozy clinch while bending to the music at a Coldplay concert.  A scheming Jumbotron, the arena’s Big Eye in the Sky, was scanning the audience to catch unsuspecting attendees in the moment.  For this couple, this minute-long exposure didn’t end with a friendly grin or exuberant hand wave.  Upon realizing their illicit play date had been exposed, they uncurled themselves at breakneck speed, he, beelining to the ground and she, slinking out of camera range, as if a Watusi dance had short-circuited.  Adding to their televised shame, Chris Martin, leader singer of Coldplay, realizing what had transpired jokingly told the audience, “Either they’re having an affair or they’re just very shy.”  And just like that, Mr. Married CEO and Ms. Alleged Inamorata & HR Chief became a viral meme.

In an apparent PR directed statement posted online, Mr. CEO checked off all the necessary boxes of a public mea culpa, expressing sincere apologies to his wife and family, his team at the company, while acknowledging they deserve better from their leader.  Instead of leaving well enough alone, the statement double-downs and adds a pinch of victimhood for good measure, lamenting how “troubling it is that what should have been a private moment became public without his consent…”  Welcome to 2025, friend. If it’s anonymity you’re seeking, it’s wise not to bring the woman who is not your wife to a rock concert.  Still, he brings attention to a critical sign of the times:  The surveillance state rules.  Whether you’re picking a remnant of spinach from your teeth in a secluded aisle of CVS or running through an airport doing your best OJ impression as you race to the gate, Big Brother is always watching.

I, for one, feel grateful each day that my carousing days ended before the advent of smartphones everywhere.  It’s burdensome enough when I’m at a customer service counter and the clerk glances at the name on my ID, “Karen,” the stereotyped pejorative that has become synonymous with a difficult interaction.  I remind myself, “wider smile, lower voice” so not to activate any camera panthers waiting in the wings. 

If the world has become one big, recorded stage revealing the good, the bad and the ugly, “Cancel Culture” is its red-faced, angry cousin who disrupts holiday dinners at the drop of an infraction.  We’ve become actors in the Universe’s theatrical production, our steps always mindful of the next scene.  For some, it’s altered behavior to be more cautious and observant of their surroundings, for others, it’s released the raging narcissist within, convinced the cheeseburger they’re eating might bring a coveted 15-minutes of fame if the grease seductively drips to their chin at just the right angle. 

Decades ago, when television personality Alan Funt bellowed, “Smile, you’re on Candid Camera” very few knew it would become an anthropological harbinger.  George Orwell did and tried to warn us. The next time you’re tempted to pull on that irritating wedgie from the seat of your pants while out in public, think again … you may become a TikTok sensation.

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AN OLD BOY FROM IRELAND

Posted on June 21, 2025 by KAREN SGAMBATI

“Here is the test to find whether your mission on Earth is finished:  If you’re alive, it isn’t” (Richard Bach)

“How will I be remembered?” is a looming question that finds its way into the mind of every person with the privilege to age.  To know that we were loved and will be missed is the last remnant of our humanity, an imprint that we will leave behind to remind the world that we were here as our bodies turn to dust.

Such is the case with a man named Martin Fallon, an Irish immigrant who had long ago left the familiar surroundings of his childhood home in Sligo to follow the diaspora to a new life in North London.  In Martin’s era, young men most often followed the path that was neatly set before them, which was to finish school if the fates allowed, find a job that was honest and dependable, and to win the hand of a woman who would become your wife and mother to your children.  It was a traditional pathway that would see its rewards revealed in generations to come. 

Except that Martin didn’t follow the road travelled by so many before him.  He remained a lifelong bachelor and childless, a salt of the earth type of man who retired after years of working his dependable jobs.  Bachelorhood didn’t have the cache then that it has enjoyed in more recent years, a lifestyle of choice and a willingness to remain uncoupled. Instead, unmarried men of Martin’s generation most often remained circumspect of their position, sowing seeds of friendship within the community and maintaining the bonds of familial ties, even if they were at a geographical disadvantage.  Life was foreseeable and steady, and predictable in its comfort. The daily smiles that were shared in the town square were an unspoken assurance that someone would be there to help in a time of need. 

When Martin died in May of 2025, a local merchant posted a handwritten notice along with a timeworn photo of him on their storefront window, announcing the details of his approaching funeral for those who would want to pay their respects.  A local woman passing by took a photo of the notice and posted it to social media, along with a nostalgic message of how many of the “old boys from Ireland” were “slowly dying out.”  The area had changed significantly from its Irish heyday, and she wanted to pay homage.  The post quickly went viral, with the message misconstrued to infer the notice was seeking any living relatives of Martin’s who may not know that he had died.  In the end, Martin had a funeral that was dignified if not smaller than most Irish send-offs, but he was properly remembered by those who cared. 

If you’d like to read Martin’s final notice, enjoy and raise a glass of cheer:  How the death of an ‘old boy from Ireland’ in London-Irish suburb sparked a misguided viral appeal – The Irish Times

Decades ago, when I worked at my first job in NYC, I met a very unique man in the lobby of the building.  I had become accustomed to the bustle of the morning commute, knowing who to nod to as I grabbed my coffee and who to hold the elevator door for as I rode up the floors of the skyscraper.  On this morning, an elderly gentleman, impeccably dressed and short in stature yet large in personality, seemed to appear out of nowhere and said hello.  His pace was leisurely, that of a man who didn’t seem to have a care in the world or what time the lobby clock was showing.  Instead, we exchanged pleasantries for a few minutes after he introduced himself and then asked an unusual question for a first-time acquaintance.  “What day were you born?” the twinkle in his eye genial enough not to cause concern, and as I was young enough at the time to be his granddaughter, I didn’t see the harm in the indulgence.  We exchanged our final pleasantries and went on with our day.

The next morning there was a small box left for me at reception.  Inside was a glass paperweight of a Ram, the symbol for my zodiac sign.  Along with it was a scribbled note on plain white paper, with handwriting faint and slightly askant that said, “Remember you’re a Ram.  You’re strong enough.”  I never saw that delightful leprechaun of a man again, and since he was in his 80’s at the time of our meeting, he’s long since departed from this earth.  I can’t recall his name, but I can remember the white bushy mustache that adorned his upper lip and the incredible message of hope he gave to me that day.  My “Ram” paperweight has followed me throughout the years, moving with me in a box that contains my personal effects, and among cherished letters and pressed flowers, taking a place of honor in my home wherever that has been.  It reminds me that even in my weakest moments, I’m strong enough.

The remembrance of our lives will be as unique as the life we lived.  For some, a large family will remain behind, with our stories being regaled for generations to come. For others, the imprint will be less remarkable; kind words and fading memories will linger for a while until all that is left is an etched headstone with a name, or ashes that have been scattered to the wind on a cherished parcel of a former life.  What matters is that we will be remembered, if only for one kind act to one appreciative person. 

The poet Maya Angelou once said, “I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” 

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ROAD TRIPPIN’

Posted on June 5, 2025 by KAREN SGAMBATI

“It’s not the destination, it’s the journey” (Ralph Waldo Emerson)

It was a dark and icy morning over a decade ago when I bundled the last of my belongings in my car and set off for a new life in Los Angeles.  The larger contents of my apartment had already been shipped and awaited my arrival; all that was left before I headed west was to say farewell to the Hudson River riverwalk that had kept me company on so many evening strolls.  In a life that had abounded with many unknowns, I felt convicted that a fresh chapter was necessary.   A revival in the way of a temperate climate and a curative ocean seemed like a confident bet.

On this January morning, I bundled up in my faux fur and warm gloves, my spirit mixed with excitement and a hint of apprehension.  I sought a blessing for the new life that lie ahead and decided to attend early morning mass at the church I had attended for many years of my life. It is the church where I received the sacrament of my first Communion, became confirmed as a teenager, and made a mistake at the altar while repeating vows.

The faint aroma reminiscent of aged library books still lingered among the wafting incense, and I secretly prayed for one of the marble statues to come to life, a simple nod for my eyes only, as an endorsement to uproot my life. When mass had ended, I promptly made my way to the altar to seek a personal blessing from the presiding priest.  He obliged, if not in haste. The swift mumbling of something in Latin and the agility of his thumb as he made the sign of the cross on my bowed forehead led me to suspect the eggs and toast in the rectory kitchen were getting cold.

It was time to hit the road. A solo road trip is incredibly cathartic for an unsettled soul. It’s a chance to be alone with one’s thoughts, to regard the rearview mirror and windshield in a metaphorical sense; the former to leave the mistakes of the past behind, and the latter to envision a future yet to unfold.  I had profound conversations with myself during long stretches of highway, and cordial ones with friendly faces in roadside diners.  The open road has a unique ability to come alive at times when you most need a sense of the supernatural.

While so many things yet to come remained a mystery, I was certain of one thing:  You can’t go home again.  

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EASY COME, EASY GO

Posted on April 6, 2025 by KAREN SGAMBATI

“Holding on is believing that there’s only a past; letting go is knowing that there’s a future.” (Daphne Rose Kingma)

I read with sadness recent news that another notable teen idol from my childhood, Bobby Sherman, was now struggling in his battle with Stage IV cancer at the age of 81.  Cancer is a beast with tentacles; it tries to wrap itself around every area of one’s life.  

Bobby was another pop stardom zeitgeist from the late 60’s and early 70’s, having risen to the dizzying heights of official heartthrob-dom as an incredibly popular singer with a sweet-sounding voice and respectable acting skills. His songs were chart topping hits that created more fantasy in the minds of teenagers named Julie, as he sang “Julie, Do Ya Love Me?” with the same handsome face that landed him the role of “Jeremy,” the dreamy cowboy loving brother in the television series, “Here Come the Brides.”   

When Hollywood stopped calling, Bobby didn’t nosedive into an existential crisis by trying to chase the dangling carrot of eluding fame; instead, he transitioned into a career of altruism and purpose.  He became a paramedic in the sprawling city of Los Angeles and a volunteer with the LA Police Department, where he served as a medical training officer until 2017.  In 1999, he was named LAPD’s Reserve Officer of the Year.  In the years between, he and his wife co-founded a foundation that provides high-quality education and music programs for children in Ghana.  Quite the accomplishment for a man whose toothy grin was once blanketed across the cover of Tiger Beat magazine.  

Bobby became an alchemist in his journey.  He took the best of himself and repurposed it for a fulfilling new chapter.  In cultural idioms, it’s often referred to as “playing the hand you’ve been dealt,” but it’s more than that.  It’s a success that can only be defined from having the inner wisdom and acceptance that life is filled with twisting paths, with new arrows appearing in the bend of its roads, and new adventures to be had.   

It’s a refined dance.  It takes a delicate spin to safeguard your hopes and dreams while accepting what is in the moment.  I once thought of the “scripted life” as appealing; an existence that is defined by a common trajectory that many choose to take as a way of achieving peace and security. As I’ve grown older and experienced my own twists and turns, the concept of the tried-and-true has been abandoned.  While I crave the tranquility that accompanies predictability, I find myself much more attracted to the allure of “what can be…”   

Wishing Bobby peace, love and healing.

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THE FEAR OF FOREVER

Posted on February 8, 2025 by KAREN SGAMBATI

“I do not fear death. I had been dead for billions and billions of years before I was born, and had not suffered the slightest inconvenience from it.” (Mark Twain)

Since insomnia has become a constant companion, I allow my mind to wander out of its gate in the early morning hours to flirt with the ridiculous. I recently discovered there’s an Italian visual artist, Salvatore Garau, who creates invisible sculptures.  His work consists of an empty space surrounded by air and requires a fertile imagination to decide what type of sculpture he had originally imagined when creating it.  In 2021, one of his inconspicuous sculptures entitled “Lo Sono” was auctioned for $18,300 USD and came with a certificate of authenticity.  Jens Haaning, the Danish artist who also dabbles in invisible art, hasn’t been as successful.  A Copenhagen court recently sided with a Denmark museum, ruling that Haaning must repay the 530,000 Danish krone the museum loaned him to commission two pieces of original art.  Haaning submitted blank canvases entitled, “Take the Money and Run.” 

The absurdities of life.  What would the world be like without those who create invisible pieces of art, or wear invisible dresses to the Grammy awards, or tell us they worship at the altar of the ‘Flying Spaghetti Monster,’ and opens its prayers with “Hail Marinara?”  By 4 a.m. I’ve usually segued into “… what makes people behave in such a bizarre manner?”

I have a theory and it’s one that is reinforced in one of my all-time favorite films, “Moonstruck:”  They fear death.  It’s that simple.  When Rose Castorini informs her philandering husband Cosmo that “he’s gonna die just like everyone else,” in that moment she becomes the I-Ching of Brooklyn.  People who fear death try anything and everything to escape their eventual rendezvous with the Grim Reaper, hoping that by amassing enough money, engaging in never-ending sex or filling their life with random acts of craziness, they just might get a pass.  The Reaper may decide it’s not worth the hassle to pry them from their banana art duct-taped to a wall, for which they paid $6.24 million at a Sotheby auction.  They’ve earned a reprieve.

I can truthfully say I don’t fear death.  Oh, I have the typical apprehension as most do, but not of the destination.  I am confident in the direction of where I’m headed.  It’s the transition that causes me concern, specifically the ‘tunnel.’  If you’re one of the many individuals who have heard accounts of near-death experiences, you’re familiar with the concept of the tunnel.  The tunnel, a sort of reverse birth canal in that it serves as the first transfer to take us from this life into the next, is alleged to be encapsulated in darkness and sucks our soul through at a magically rapid speed.  Think Hoover vacuum meets Timothy Leary and Elon Musk.  It’s an alarming prospect.  And, with my earthly fear of heights and disdain for playing ‘Pin the tail on the Donkey’ as a child, will I become the silver ball in a pinball machine, ricocheting from side to side until I finally fall into the kick-out hole?

More frightening than the prospect of the tunnel is the concept of eternity, but my fingers are warning me to save it for another time.  Should I attempt to tackle it now, they’ll stick to the keyboard in a frozen anxiety, and I have errands to run.  How can something go on forever?  It boggles my mind to contemplate. Will a merciful God allow us to take naps of a million years or so as we travel the space that is eternity?

There’s no point in worry.  Que Sera, Sera.  What will be will be.  And to that man I knew many years ago who was agnostic at best, should I pass over before you and see you sitting on a bog, confused about where you are and how you got there, I promise to wave a flashlight.  Hard feelings aren’t welcome in the afterlife. 

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REFLECTING LIGHT

Posted on November 15, 2024 by KAREN SGAMBATI

“There is a sadness in realizing that the person you have become is not the person you once wanted to be. It is the sadness of looking back on your life and seeing all the ways you have compromised, all the dreams you have let go, all the parts of yourself you have lost along the way. And in that sadness, there is a sense of mourning, not just for the life you could have had, but for the person you could have been.”

(T.S. Eliot, The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock)

4:00 a.m. and I have become intimate friends.  It’s the time the Universe has decided to jostle me from my slumber, however I may feel about cooperating, and rise from the comfort of my perfectly rumpled covers as the messages of the day start to download into my coffee-coveting brain.  As I listen to birds chirp the coming of daybreak from the darkness of my terrace, my mind races with potential and imaginary outcomes, from deciding whether to take that Zoom course at 2 p.m. to giving silent, rehearsed advice in my mind to the President-elect of the United States for his next cabinet pick.  Somewhere out in the heavens I imagine an eavesdropping alien intercepting the wireless signals from my brain and musing, “Wanna laugh? This chick thinks ‘Joe Schmoe’ would make a great Secretary of State, and that she’s going to finish that blank-paged chapter after a long lunch.”   

I have a catalog of reinforcement.  In recent years, I’ve been following a woman named Dr. Gladys McGarey on social media.  Dr. McGarey was a remarkable woman and physician who recently passed away after 103 years of brimming productivity on this earth.  She was one of those wise and peaceful souls with a blueprint for life etched onto her face and an impish grin that silently conveyed she knew things that only time would reveal.  Through her decades as a practicing physician under the mantle of “mother of holistic medicine,” and author of the book, “The Well-Lived Life: A 102-Year-Old Doctor’s Six Secrets to Health and Happiness at Every Age,” she shared a wealth of wisdom on how to get through this advancing world with joy remaining in your heart. If I had to epitomize a favorite takeaway from Gladys, it would be these four words: Use your energy wildly.

Still, I wrestle with the spiritual notion that in more recent years has been referred to as “toxic positivity,” a concept that promises if we can only harness the canvas of our mind to correctly align with the manifesting center of our soul, we can create a bountiful reality filled with all of our hopes and dreams.  While I believe in the power of the mind to accelerate healing and bring forth our goals, and the power of prayer to intercede and protect, and I accept that words are alive with power, I don’t think life can so easily be condensed into one formula for success.  There are factors outside of our control that interfere with an envisioned destiny, much like the slightly inebriated stranger who cuts in on the dance floor just as you’re about to sway flawlessly with the rhythm.

Very few of us become the person we set out to be in our youth.  Life is simply too random, filled with too many rippling twists and turns and unexpected circumstances to remain on a programmed course.   At the core, if we’re fortunate, we can preserve the essence of who we are and with our best, navigate through that lens as the winds of fate and luck continue to blow. If we bend in the right direction, we can become a more surprising version of ourselves.

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