Part of healing from any “dis-ease,” or at least what I believe, is to do the soul searching necessary to get to the emotional root causes your body has buried, the experiences and thoughts that manifest into deregulated cells, giving them power to come alive with physical disobedience.  My healing journey from cancer has followed suit; I was instructed to dig deep into my psyche with an unfiltered eye to examine what factors and experiences may have contributed to my body finally screaming out, “something’s gotta give!”

I did just that.  At first, it presented itself as a rabbit hole of discomfort and recoiling, of ripping off a band-aid halfway before leaving the task for another time because the shame of it, well, felt too shameful. Knowing this truthful exploration would be purifying, I prayed, and then prayed some more, to God to give me nothing less than clarity and crystal clear vision. I longed to reach the point of saying “I finally get it … this is the truth of this situation, the beliefs that created it are no longer relevant or have power, and I can comfortably walk away from anything that isn’t aligned with my walk in the here and now …”

After all, doesn’t the Word tell us, “The truth shall set us free?” Little did I know I was about to become Eve, taking a bite out of the forbidden apple of truth.

The nakedness felt as though I was standing in a department store window, exposed, while pedestrian eyes fixated upon my soul.  It was painful.  I had to take an unvarnished trip back into the ghosts of decades past to understand how what happened may have helped shape the mindset and belief system that encouraged these wayward cells into my body. 

For many of us, it’s more than we’d readily care to share on a public forum, me included. Every revelatory experience of peeling away the layers and seeing things for what they really are – and more importantly, as they really were – is simply too raw.  It’s truthful to say that when we’re able to sit back with distance and an objective eye and can witness the seminal events of our past as they actually happened, not as we thought or hoped they did, it is surprisingly cathartic.  You become the teacher grading the exam of a student you’ve never met; it’s your red pen that knows to circle the accurate answers, correcting what their pencil may have told the paper. 

I was able to relive times of faulty choices and some less-than-stellar moments of days bygone and forge through the eye-squinting that comes with resurrecting these buried memories, only to see what really led to certain trajectories in my life.  I gained the ability to see people I loved, and those I didn’t, as flesh-and-blood fallible humans, not the lionized or judgmental versions I had created in my mind.  

As God removed the blinders from my eyes, and the emotional intelligence I had always possessed in quantity came to the forefront, I relished in this new-found clarity.  The pieces of the puzzle started to press into each other, making sense out of what had been unaware. I began to see my life as a tapestry of regrets and mistakes woven into times of triumph, beauty and love. 

I came to understand that to ruminate on the past, which is now a long-faded hologram in time, knowing that the permanence of its end is real and nothing can be done to rewrite any differing outcome, is futile. The reward comes in understanding that as humans, we can only do what we know to do at any given moment. When we know better, we do better. 

Now that I’ve reached the stage in life where more years are behind me than in front of me, I cherish the clarity I’ve been gifted, and the ability to forgive, move on, and live as fearlessly as I possibly can before the end of my journey.  I treasure the ability to make decisions based on the reality of what is, and not what may be colored by unresolved patterns. I can live as I am, right now in the present, without disillusionment. 

One of the surprising lessons of cancer is that it introduces itself as fear, yet in actuality, it’s a catalyst to dissolve much of the longstanding fear in your life.

Let the truth set you free.  The joy and freedom that will come will far outweigh the initial discomfort the revelations bring to the surface. When you can release the people and behaviors that no longer serve you, and remain accepting of that which you know is intrinsically right for you, you’ll feel that you’ve arrived in the place that has the potential to make the remaining years of life both exhilarating and genuine.

I’m committed to making the days I have ahead as authentic as possible, and full of who I now am, without the insecurity of curating my life for the sake of others.  As Carl Jung wisely said, “The privilege of a lifetime is to become who you truly are.”  And if Jung is not your thing, take heed of the words the incomparable Janis Joplin reminds us of in “Me and Bobby McGee” ….

“Freedom’s just another word for nothin’ left to lose…” 

When it hits home that everything in this world is temporary, everything is fleeting and there really is nothing left to lose, you’ll stop hanging on so tightly and trust the process. It’s in the letting go that the peace you’ve so feverishly been chasing will wash over you in an undeniable wave.

Let Go.