“Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.” – Oscar Wilde

In the fishbowl world we now inhabit, it’s hard not to know what everyone is thinking. Personal beliefs are shared with astonishing frequency through social media, group texts, bumper stickers, and cartoon-faced emojis, to name just a few outlets. People have even sworn off buying pork chops from a local butcher because of his political affiliation, prominently displayed alongside the hanging salami.

With that in mind, here are a few lesser-known beliefs of my own that ring true.

I BELIEVE schadenfreude has universal appeal and is a hidden ingredient in the acai bowl of life. Everyone who has ever been dumped secretly wants to hear that an ex has stumbled, somehow—failed, suffered a setback, or, better yet, been dumped themselves. The only difference is that the more spiritually mature the dumpee, the more firmly they draw the line at actual injury.

I BELIEVE most mothers are seldom right, let alone always. They simply gaslight their children into believing they are, so that years later, when they’re tucked away in a nursing home, they can leave this earth with a modicum of righteousness intact. Meanwhile, their thrice-divorced, sixty-one-year-old daughter announces that her college boyfriend—the one she wanted to marry but was talked out of by her wiser mother—is now a Silicon Valley mogul who rarely drinks and has remained faithful to his first and only wife.

“He wasn’t right for you…” precedes a final breath.

I BELIEVE if you want to know whether your new romantic partner has healthy self-esteem, secretly check their underwear drawer while they’re in the shower. Nothing says I’m not worth it quite like faded undergarments that have lost their elasticity. If you find holes, leave the diagnosis to a therapist.

I BELIEVE if you’re looking for an adventurous partner for a weekend in Vegas—someone who won’t flinch when you suggest playing the next hand of four-card poker blind and doubling down—pay attention to how they drive, particularly how they handle a left turn as the arrow is about to turn red. If they stop on yellow to avoid the embarrassment of getting caught in the intersection, casino life was never meant for them.

I BELIEVE the first outfit you choose for a date or a business meeting is the one you should wear, regardless of how many you try on after it. The subsequent options are simply meant to confuse you courtesy of your inner child, who is speaking to your thoughts in a parental voice so not to allow your head to swell believing you can ace every decision right out of the gate.

I BELIEVE most people will look the best they’ll ever look at age 35. If you think it’s untrue, wait until you’re over 60 and reflect back on past photos. You’re sure to mumble, “Damn I looked good at 35…” Coincidentally, it’s the age people who profess to have had a near death experience claim their deceased loved ones appear to be when they are greeted on the other side.