RANDOM MUSINGS FROM A JERSEY GAL …

“There is a sadness in realizing that the person you have become is not the person you once wanted to be. It is the sadness of looking back on your life and seeing all the ways you have compromised, all the dreams you have let go, all the parts of yourself you have lost along the way. And in that sadness, there is a sense of mourning, not just for the life you could have had, but for the person you could have been.”

(T.S. Eliot, The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock)

4:00 a.m. and I have become intimate friends.  It’s the time the Universe has decided to jostle me from my slumber, however I may feel about cooperating, and rise from the comfort of my perfectly rumpled covers as the messages of the day start to download into my coffee-coveting brain.  As I listen to birds chirp the coming of daybreak from the darkness of my terrace, my mind races with potential and imaginary outcomes, from deciding whether to take that Zoom course at 2 p.m. to giving silent, rehearsed advice in my mind to the President-elect of the United States for his next cabinet pick.  Somewhere out in the heavens I imagine an eavesdropping alien intercepting the wireless signals from my brain and musing, “Wanna laugh? This chick thinks ‘Joe Schmoe’ would make a great Secretary of State, and that she’s going to finish that blank-paged chapter after a long lunch.”   

I have a catalog of reinforcement.  In recent years, I’ve been following a woman named Dr. Gladys McGarey on social media.  Dr. McGarey was a remarkable woman and physician who recently passed away after 103 years of brimming productivity on this earth.  She was one of those wise and peaceful souls with a blueprint for life etched onto her face and an impish grin that silently conveyed she knew things that only time would reveal.  Through her decades as a practicing physician under the mantle of “mother of holistic medicine,” and author of the book, “The Well-Lived Life: A 102-Year-Old Doctor’s Six Secrets to Health and Happiness at Every Age,” she shared a wealth of wisdom on how to get through this advancing world with joy remaining in your heart. If I had to epitomize a favorite takeaway from Gladys, it would be these four words: Use your energy wildly.

Still, I wrestle with the spiritual notion that in more recent years has been referred to as “toxic positivity,” a concept that promises if we can only harness the canvas of our mind to correctly align with the manifesting center of our soul, we can create a bountiful reality filled with all of our hopes and dreams.  While I believe in the power of the mind to accelerate healing and bring forth our goals, and the power of prayer to intercede and protect, and I accept that words are alive with power, I don’t think life can so easily be condensed into one formula for success.  There are factors outside of our control that interfere with an envisioned destiny, much like the slightly inebriated stranger who cuts in on the dance floor just as you’re about to sway flawlessly with the rhythm.

Very few of us become the person we set out to be in our youth.  Life is simply too random, filled with too many rippling twists and turns and unexpected circumstances to remain on a programmed course.   At the core, if we’re fortunate, we can preserve the essence of who we are and with our best, navigate through that lens as the winds of fate and luck continue to blow. If we bend in the right direction, we can become a more surprising version of ourselves.

“Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.” – Oscar Wilde

In the fishbowl world in which we currently live, it’s hard not to know what everyone is thinking. Personal beliefs are shared, inordinately, through social media, group texts, bumper stickers and cartoon-faced emojis to name a few. Intransigent decisions have been made as to where not to buy porkchops due to a butcher’s political affiliation, which was displayed along with the hanging salami.

With that, here are some lesser-known things I believe that ring true:

I BELIEVE schadenfreude has universal appeal and is a hidden ingredient in the acai bowl of life. Everyone who has ever been dumped in a romantic relationship secretly wants to hear news of their ex-partner failing in some way, experiencing a setback, or better yet, getting dumped themselves. The only difference is the more spiritually mature the dumpee, the firmer the line is drawn at injury.

I BELIEVE that most mothers are seldom right, let alone always. They gaslight their children into believing they are so that years later, when they’re tucked away in a nursing home, they can depart this earth with a modicum of righteousness as their thrice-divorced, 61-year old daughter announces that her college boyfriend, the one whom she wanted to marry but was convinced otherwise by her wiser mother, is now a Silicon Valley mogul who rarely touches a drop of alcohol and is faithful to his first and only wife. “He wasn’t right for you…” precedes a last breath.

I BELIEVE if you want to discover if your new romantic partner has healthy self-esteem during the early days of the relationship, secretly check their underwear draw while they’re showering. Nothing says “I’m not worth it” faster than holding onto faded undergarments that have lost their elasticity. If you see holes, it’s better left to a therapist.

I BELIEVE if you’re seeking an adventurous partner for a weekend in Vegas, someone who won’t flinch when you suggest playing the next hand of 4-card poker blind and doubling-down on the chips, pay attention to how they drive, particularly how they maneuver a left-hand turn at a busy intersection as the arrow is about to turn red. If they stop while it’s yellow to avoid the potential embarrassment of being caught in the intersection, the casino life is not designed for them.

I BELIEVE the first outfit you choose for a date or a business meeting is the one you should wear, regardless of how many you try on after it. The subsequent options are simply meant to confuse you courtesy of your inner child, who is speaking to your thoughts in a parental voice so not to allow your head to swell believing you can ace every decision right out of the gate.

I BELIEVE most people will look the best they’ll ever look at age 35. If you think it’s untrue, wait until you’re over 60 and reflect back on past photos. You’re sure to mumble, “Damn I looked good at 35…” Coincidentally, it’s the age people who profess to have had a near death experience claim their deceased loved ones appear to be when they are greeted on the other side.

Matthew 6:3-4:  “But when you give to the poor and do acts of kindness, do not let your left hand know what your right hand is doing (give in complete secrecy), so that your charitable acts will be done in secret; and your Father who sees what is done in secret will reward you”. 

A post popped up on one of my social media feeds this morning about the act of giving and those who attempt to wear it like a badge.  It made me think about generosity, altruism and the various personalities I’ve encountered during my years.

There’s a popular expression that says, “If you want to know the character of any man, watch how he treats those who can do nothing for him.”   I’ve always found this to be true.  There’s an unwritten rule among women in the dating world that suggests to watch how their date treats the waitstaff in a restaurant.  Character is often invisible to the eye but presents itself through unspoken action. 

The same can be said about acts of altruism and a generous nature.  Frank Sinatra, the crooning superstar affectionately known as “Ol’ Blue Eyes,” was also known to have a complicated disposition and volatile temper, both of which were eclipsed by his eminent kindness and overflowing generosity to those in his orbit.  There are countless stories of him writing that much-needed check, of paying off an incurred debt for a friend or once the college tuition of the young waitress in his favorite coffee shop, and the legendary tips given to service staff with the concealed palm of his hand.  While it would be rare for someone of his stature not to be acknowledged for their philanthropic work on the world stage, his most meaningful acts of giving were cloaked in anonymity.

In my everyday experience, the most generous people are often those who can less afford to give of their material wealth.  If you ever find yourself in need of a hot meal, or a safe place to rest for a moment, seek out those who are of less fortune but rich in empathy, for they are the most willing to share.  Empathy is born of one’s own struggles that forge a sympathetic knowing of what another is experiencing.  A loving heart, enlightened by the trials of adversity, creates in a person one who is earnest to help their brother in a time of need. 

I once knew a woman who had a self-serving sense of charity.  During her evening walks with a friend, they encountered a homeless man on their route.  Upon discovering it was this man’s birthday during one encounter, they treated him to a chicken dinner from a neighborhood take-out.  Afterward, she went on to regale anyone who would listen about her act of noblesse.  The “birthday dinner story” had a longer life span than a Queen termite.  For $11.99, a marinated chicken thigh with a side of seasoned rice elevated her to Mother Teresa in her mind. A sentiment she was only too eager to share.

Giving should always be done with a willing heart and when possible, in private. The reward is in the feeling one gets from knowing another’s burden was lessened, if even for a moment, and that the shared invisible connection we have to others was given a jolt of love ignited by you.  If you want to alleviate your troubles for a day, be of service to others.

And be like Frank.  Sing, swagger, love hard and rumble, but be your own version of Mr. Anonymous. 

I’m taking the lazy way out with this post, as the sun is shining and the outdoors are calling my name. I’ve chosen a few songs to convey a message that’s usually left to words, only this time I’ve solicited the help of a sound bubble to transport your thoughts to another time and place.

While words are incredibly powerful, the two greatest channels of emotional recall are aroma and sound. A certain aroma can instantaneously carry us back to our grandmother’s kitchen, as if she were there in front of us, stirring the saucepan that brought to life her delicious food, or hearing the first notes of a song that turns on a light to an etched memory. 

Slip on your headphones, take off your shoes, and let’s float off together in our sound bubbles.

THE FINDING YOUR WAY BUBBLE

It was a time of firsts and a time of wonder. If you’re a man, chances are your hair was 3” longer than it is now, and if you’re a woman, you’ll remember taking two hours to decide which pair of identical looking jeans to wear on a date.  It was a time when the strength of our bodies had to mask the weakness of insecurity that lay beneath the surface of blossoming adulthood. 

We were neophytes with freshly minted driver’s licenses, acting as if we had it figured out when in truth, we knew there was still much to learn.

THE EMERGING LOVE BUBBLE

The memories that embrace emerging love can bring us back to a time when first dates were elevated to linen tablecloths and after-hour nightclubs, and weekend getaways were a promise in the future.  It was a time when tumbling into passion was the easy part, and navigating future steps were left to a more level head.

Many men believe the way to a woman’s erogenous zones is through the whispering of sweet nothings in her ear and some smooth moves, and really, all that’s needed is the sound of a saxophone. 

THE GRIEF BUBBLE

I can’t type this paragraph without tears, for the first few notes of this beautiful instrumental pull me back to the mournful days of my father’s passing.  The grief bubble is one that stays with us for a lifetime, as time does not heal wounds, it simply brings acceptance of them. Grief is an inescapable emotion in every lifetime, for each of us will experience the loss of someone we love. 

The irony of grief is that it comes with instructions to move through it, yet the road through it is filled with holes that can swallow us into stagnation.   When grief enters your life, you must first introduce yourself, then ask for it to remain still as you progress with it, knowing it’s found a permanent home somewhere in your heart.

THE FOOT LOOSE AND FANCY-FREE BUBBLE

If you find yourself smiling in a mischievous way, it’s because this bubble resurrects a time when our bodies were an accomplice to our minds, keeping us fit and energetic while prompting a devil may care attitude that influenced many of our actions.  It was a time when all that seemed to matter was the twinkling of the starry night, not the morning sun that was to come.  Secrets were vaulted and trusted to a chosen few, and a sense of cool felt as natural as we thought we were. 

It was to know the feeling of a gambler on a lucky streak.    

THE RENAISSANCE PERSON BUBBLE

My first thought was one of Jeff Goldblum attempting to channel his inner Thelonious Monk, but I then realized this seasoned actor, who to this day disrupts my mind with memories of wire-like fly hairs emerging from his SFX-enhanced back, is simply in his renaissance bubble, a time in life when all of his talents are coming out to play in no particular order.  Pitching apartment rentals is not his final act. 

That’s the beauty of aging.  We get to color outside of the lines without fear of criticism, for if there is criticism, we typically don’t give a flying fig.  I get the sense Jeff knows this well.  I’m sure he has a pocket of troubles like the rest of us, only now, he chooses to jive at a keyboard, in between gigs of acting and being a commercial spokesperson.  Who knows, he may also make a mean marinara sauce. 

If you’re on the Back 9, take a page from Jeff’s book.   Let your restrained talents shine, with a flying fig-less attitude. And never allow anyone to burst your bubble.

“As you move outside of your comfort zone, what was once the unknown and frightening becomes your new normal.” (Robin Sharma)

The ABC television network scored a cultural phenomenon with the recent hit of “The Golden Bachelor” this past year.  The Golden Bachelor is the elder paternal spin-off of their immensely popular romance reality show, “The Bachelor.”  In this geriatric version, female sexagenarians, and septuagenarians, all attractively preserved with the assumed number of nips and tucks, vie for the affection of a silver fox male, whose #1 audition criteria was to look fetching in a tuxedo. The ultimate prize is a last chance at love in their sunset years.  Who knew the introduction of a little blue pill a quarter of a century ago would make senior sex trendy? 

In this season, Gerry, a widower from Indiana at 72 years of age and the Golden Bachelor, chose a woman named Theresa, a widow from New Jersey who at 70 years is admirably fit, to be his happily ever after until the inevitable happens.  It culminated with a final rose ceremony complete with a Neil Lane engagement ring and just enough schmaltz to make it endearing, if not entirely believable.  A ratings bonanza in the form of a televised wedding was to come.   

It came as less of a shock to millions when a mere three months after the nuptials, Gerry and Theresa officially decided to call it quits.  Marriage is a challenge at any age, much more so when it’s done in front of millions of viewers at an age when both spouses, who may have hope in their heart, are still set in their ways.  Acquired life experience doesn’t safeguard against divorce. 

Theresa wrote a thoughtful post on her social media page expressing that while she was disappointed in this outcome, she did not regret a minute of the experience.  I applauded her.  How many of us, particularly at 70 years of age, are willing to step that far out of our comfort zone to reach for a brass ring?  It is an experience that will propel her spirit until her last days, and one that her grandchildren will reminisce about in decades to come. 

Stepping outside of our comfort zone is where the magic lies.  Henry David Thoreau philosophized that “most men lead lives of quiet desperation,” and he’s right.  Playing it safe and close to the vest guarantees less drama in an admittedly crazy world but robs us of the thrill that comes with taking a chance, and an unexpected reward.

The gift of being a sexagenarian-plus is that we tend to care much less about what others think or fear the outcome in risk-taking, and delight more in doing it.  In a life that is probably comprised of many “been there, done that” moments, why not do it again, only this time with a less encumbered spirit?  And, at 60-and-70-ish, you are old enough to have earned a respectable reputation of stability, yet still young enough to avoid the label of eccentric.  It’s the “Three Little Bears” storybook version of chance taking; the bed you choose is soft enough to land, while providing the right amount of bounce. 

When you’re a 40 year old and make an out-of-the-blue phone call to an old flame you dated 20 years ago, it could be considered drunk dialing and perhaps desperate.  When you’re 60, it’s thought to be nostalgic and sentimental. With that AARP card comes a “Get Out of Jail Free” pass with many of our social interactions, and the opportunity to create legendary anecdotes that pair well with a glass of Chardonnay. 

Without risk comes very little reward.  We can remain quiet until we turn to dust, or we can take a leap and use the excuse of our rank to swim in the river of the exciting and uninhibited.  And should you take that chance and develop a case of risk-taker’s remorse, you can always place the blame on some blood pressure medication.  Who’s to know the truth, except your slightly tipsy friend, already two chardonnays in and laughing at your anecdote.